Maybe I just suck. Maybe I’m just a dumb shit who doesn’t know where to go and is too stupid to ask for help. Perhaps it’s how I was brought up; that could be it. No, it’s probably just me. Gah. Fuck it.

            I’ll just hate everything and be off.

            Today, I’m writing like this is my diary. Somebody suggested I start writing stuff down. It’s gonna be random thoughts and nothing will make sense. Or at least, I don’t think they’ll make sense. If you can make sense of anything I say, it’d be quite the miracle.

To be honest, I don’t really know what to write about. For anything else, I would think I’d have a better idea of what to do, but in this situation, I don’t know what to make of it. Perhaps you’ll make something out of all this, dear reader, just like they do in English class with their metaphors and hidden meanings.

            Things seem so dull right now. Everybody’s busy with their lives and everything just drags on. It’s mind-numbing, being a part of it. I just want to remove myself from it and float in space or something. In the darkness of space, there’s no war, drama, worries.

            Just pure…

            Nothingness.

            Then again, I still want to enjoy the small pleasures of this mortal world. I want that childlike innocence once more. I want the happiness without ever feeling sad again. I want that raw feeling of loving another person so much I could die. I want all of this, but the straitjacket of society makes it so hard for us all, not just me.

            Perhaps I’m just too pessimistic about this. Maybe I need to look on the bright side of things more. Therapy might do. Yes, that might do me good.

            I don’t accept help easily for this kind of shit anyway, so I really shouldn’t. It’d probably be catastrophic. Whoever my therapist is is gonna have a hell of a hard time trying to get me to improve and stay improved.

            It’s funny in a way.

            I would like to improve, but I don’t have the capacity to actually do it. It’s a curse probably, but meh, my friend, Apathy, tells me it’s perfectly fine.

            So I listen.

            Apathy’s been an alright friend to me. They’ve gotten me through some of the shittier moments in life so I probably owe them one. Or y’know, like a couple hundred.

            You see, I’ve always been indecisive about things. I always have to think it over a lot and analyze the shit out of the situation before I can come to a solid decision, but even then I still can’t do it. It’s another curse I have; a lovely addition to my other curses, if you ask me. I’m sure you saw it in the beginning of this … whatever this is that I’m typing. Perhaps it’s a fear of the unknown that every human seems to have. I guess maybe it’s amplified in me.

            Who knows?

            Although I am indeed an angsty little shit, this thing that I’m writing actually kind of repels me in a way. I don’t know why, but it just does. I’m not sure if I’ve ever liked when other people were angsty, but you know what, maybe I didn’t. There’s so much cloudiness in my head sometimes.

            Anyway, I’m sort of in a bit of an argument with Apathy right now, so I’m down in the dumps. Maybe sewer level, for all I know. I felt like I should be more into this whole life thing, like maybe I should care more. I told Apathy this ’cause we’re pretty good friends and I thought they’d understand, but they got pretty mad about it. Started yelling at me, actually. I didn’t enjoy it; I hate people who yell.

            Quite a bother they are.

            Apathy was still pretty mad the next day, so I just didn’t talk to them. It’s pretty awkward now, but I mean I guess I’m coping? My days have been I guess better than usual. I go out in the day more often, and I’ve been able to tolerate people more. Sometimes I even go out at night. It’s weird, but maybe I’ve been too close to Apathy to notice anything outside of our friendship.

            Maybe my day will look up today. Apathy moved out yesterday, but we’ve started talking again. Sort of. It’s not going to be the same as before, but I’m sure we’ll be fine.

            It’s for the best, right?

                                                                                            ----------------------------

I think I’m having a bit of withdrawal because I was so used to having Apathy around. I really miss just playing video games with them all the time at home and now it’s a little more empty than it needs to be. Ever since that asshole left my life, I’ve been a little bit emptier, but Apathy was always there for me. They filled up the cracks and I felt a lot better.

            But now, even Apathy is gone.

            I’ve been lying in bed staring at the popcorn ceiling for hours and I thought that maybe I should write because why the hell not? I haven’t written for a little while, so it’s high time I got to writing. I can’t say that my writing is any better than it was when I started, but that’s alright, it’s legible enough.

            I’m going to be better soon though, I think. Better in time with the whole Apathy-being-gone thing, that is. My writing will just depend on the day. There’s nothing wrong with missing Apathy, it’s just that I wish things had gone a little differently. I wish I’d had the courage to say something whenever Apathy insulted me and passed it off as a joke or being real with me. I get that maybe their intentions were good, but the delivery certainly never felt that way. I didn’t need to have someone tell me what to do with my life and how I should do it. I’ve changed, and I don’t need Apathy to be there.

            Maybe this writing thing is therapeutic. I feel a whole lot better, actually. To whoever finds this diary one day, I hope you find friends who are not going to tell you that you don’t know yourself. I hope that you will let yourself feel rather than push all of your emotions aside. You can only push them aside for so long until they come back to haunt you.

            I think I’ll write more tomorrow.

            For now, maybe I’ll sleep.